The Support Group for People Used by Microsoft

Anti-Microsoft Dictionary

Contents
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z

Submit your own definition

Related Links
Microspeak: A Bug By Any Other Name
James Gleick's article about Microsoft's use of the word "issue" instead of "bug".

Microsoft Spin Dictionary

MacKiDo's Terms Page

Introduction
Definitions are important. The Microsoft public relations machine (like that of many large corporations) puts a spin on the truth through the use of obfuscation. The definitions of words Microsoft uses often differ from that of common usage (such as integration, innovation, or bug). In addition, the computer industry has many terms (especially acronyms) that are unclear to many people.

This unofficial glossary tries to define terms used on both sides of the Microsoft debate. As a bonus, several humorous, but fictional, definitions are thrown in for good measure.

- A -

Access (submitted by "NiTeBiRd")

  1. The ability to obtain information.
  2. What you are denied when it's stored in this Microsoft program.
  3. Spoon-fed database for people too inert to learn SQL.
Common nickname: AccessDenied

ActiveX - Microsoft's "Internet component framework". "Active" is a misnomer -- ActiveX applets take a lot of time to download and they have a tendency to mess up the Windows Registry, causing the system to grind to a halt. Since ActiveX applets are merely Windows executable programs embedded in webpages, ActiveX offers no real security. ActiveX is a last ditch (and hopeless) attempt by Microsoft to subdue the Java revolution.

Common nicknames: ActiveHex, InActiveX, ActiveXplode, ActiveXploiter

"ActiveX: Microsoft's standard portable virus format."
   -- David Jones

Antitainment - The opposite of Edutainment, this name is jokingly used to refer to Productivity and Business software. Also used by the Mike Rosoff Network parody.

Anti-Trust Laws - Laws designed to protect competition and consumer choice. Used to successfully end the monopolies of Standard Oil and Ma Bell but unsuccessful (so far) against everyone's favorite monopoly, Microsoft.

Apple

  1. A red fruit
  2. A computer manufacturer that would have more marketshare if Microsoft hadn't "borrowed" a bunch of ideas from them.

ASCII and ye shall receive - Bill Gates' favorite pun.

- B -

Bill Gates' Diary - A document destroyed when Bill's Windows 95 computer crashed for the 12,235th times. A parody version is available at www.billg.org.

Black Wednesday - August 6, 1997 - This is the day Microsoft invested $150,000,000 in Apple and secured rights to market Mac versions of IE and Office. The jury is still out on the long term effect of this deal; some say it was merely a token gesture.

Bloatware - Name given to software that is full of excess features and glitz, in addition to being poorly programmed. Most Microsoft programs are bloatware -- the MS programmers are more interested in designing dancing paper clips than optimization and efficiency.

Blue Screen of Death - Windows 95's most frequently seen error message. Here is a sample:

A fatal exception OE has occured in module SOLITAIRE at 
10B3:23A132C9.  The current application will be terminated.

   * Press any key to continue.  There is a 1% chance that 
     another application won't crash.
     
   * Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to restart your computer.  You will 
     lose any unsaved information, and your hard drive could
     crash with all the wear and tear the Windows boot
     procedure will place on it.

Bluescreen (verb) - To crash or lock-up, especially in Windows. Example usage: "The entire USS Yorktown computer system bluescreened when it tried to divide by zero.

Bob - A disastrous attempt by Microsoft to produce a user-friendly interface for average Joes (or Bobs). Bob's simplistic interface was insulting to many people, and the program actually did nothing useful. Bob was the laughing stock of the computer industry. Bob prompted several jokes, including: Death at the Hands of MS Bob and Microsoft Clarifies Trademark Policies. It should be noted that Microsoft still owns www.bob.com

Common nicknames: Bubba, Blob, Bill

BootGUI - An undocumented option in Windows 95. By putting BootGUI=0 in MSDOS.SYS, the system boots directly to the DOS command line instead of the crash-prone and bloated Windows 95 GUI.

Bug

  1. An insect.
  2. A problem or fault in computer hardware or software. Microsoft always uses a variation of the word "issue" instead of bug.
  3. Flaws contained in all Microsoft programs.
  4. Something Microsoft tries to hide from customers.
  5. A problem or issue that requires an "upgrade" or "service pack" to fix.

- C -

Chicago - The codename given to Windows 95 while it was under development and release dates were being pushed back.

Clippit - The nickname of the annoying dancing paper clip included with Office 97. Clippit is actually a reincarnation of Microsoft's earlier Bob "product"

CLS - A command frequently entered by DOS users to clear the screen of unwanted Microsoft copyrights and trademarks. Unfortunately there is no easy way to eliminate unwanted Microsoft copyrights, advertisements, and icons from the Windows desktopo.

Concept Virus - The name given to a class of malicious viruses that exploit the bugs and lack of security of MS Office. Microsoft has done very little to combat these viruses, even though the account for the majority of all computer virus infections.

Cross-Platform
Microsoft definition: Adjective used to describe any program that runs on both Windows 95, 98, and NT.
Real definition: Any program, document, or language that can be used on multiple platforms and operating systems. This type of software is a threat to Microsoft's proprietary OS monopoly.

- D -

DIMM

  1. Acronym standing for Double Iinline Memory Modules.
  2. What the future might look like if Microsoft's dominance continues unchecked.

Drag-and-Drop

  1. A sporting event in which Microsoft programmers dress in women's clothing and parachute out of airplanes.
  2. See this picture

Dummies Books - A series of books for beginners. The most popular title is "Windows for Dummies." Of course, only dummies would use Windows.

Dumping - The practice of giving a product away for free in order to snatch market share away from competitors. After the competitors are eliminated, the product is no longer given away. Microsoft dumped Internet Explorer in an effort to kill Netscape back in 1995 when Microsoft "invented" the Internet.

- E -

EBS - Enhanced Buzzword Support, a standard feature of all Microsoft products.

Excel - Microsoft's spreadsheet program, borrowing heavily on the ideas of VisiCalc and Lotus 1-2-3. The only thing Excel users excel at is hitting the Ctrl-Alt-Delete keys.

Nickname: Hexcel

Excess

  1. The program that would result if Microsoft Excel and Access were combined.
  2. Something all Microsoft programs have in abundance.

- F -

Finagle's Law - "If something can go wrong, it will." In other words, "If you're using a Microsoft product, it will go wrong." See also the Jargon File entry for Finagle and Murphy

FUD - Acronym for Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt. See What is FUD? for more information. Also see MacKiDo's article, Where is Stac? for an example of Microsoft FUD in action.

- G -

General Protection Fault - Windows' standard error message when a flaw causes a program to malfunction. Usually results in the Blue Screen of Death or a system crash.

"Who is General Protection and why is he reading my hard drive?"

GIGO - Acronym standing for Garbage In, Garbage Out. When you put Microsoft programs into your computer, you get garbage out.

- H -

Hotmail - A free e-mail provider that was acquired by Microsoft at the end of 1997. Microsoft tried to "upgrade" Hotmail from Unix to Windows NT, but failed miserably. Microsoft is now intergrating Hotmail with its own lackluster Start.com portal site.

Common nicknames: Snotmail, Notmail, Rotmail, Whatmail

Hourglass Eye Disorder - A clinical disorder that is caused when the Windows Hourglass mouse cursor is permanently etched into the retina.

- I -

Internet

  1. The grand network of networks that you are using to access this document.
  2. The medium by which a start-up company, Netscape, was able to beat Microsoft (until recently)
  3. Something Bill Gates discounted as a "fad" until about early 1996. (The way Microsoft tells it, they invented the Internet.)
  4. Something that will soon be called the "Microsoft Network" unless Microsoft's monopoly position is challenged.

Internet Explorer - The web browser Microsoft hastily assembed from Spyglass Mosaic in order to teach Netscape a lesson. Microsoft has "integrated" IE into Windows 95/98 to unfairly take market share from Netscape. IE contains numerous security flaws (especially with ActiveX and is bloatware. IE is designed to be virtually impossible to remove completely from Windows 95.

Parodies: Internet Exploiter (Chinese Version), Internet Inhaler and Internet Expirer
Other nicknames: Internet Exploder, Internet Hexplorer, Internet Exbroiler, and Internet Deplorer
See also YAMOO's Internet Explorer section

Issue - The term Microsoft uses to describe bugs. Microsoft uses these phrases instead of "bug" when talking about Microsoft programs:

Note, however, that Microsoft always the more negative sounding word "bug" to describe flaws in their competitors' software.

- J -

Java - Cross-platform programming language developed by Sun Microsystems. Java programs run in a secure "sandbox", allowing them to be used on any platform or operating system. Microsoft's answer to Java is ActiveX, which has failed miserably due to its lack of security. See also J/Direct and YAMOO's Java section.

J/Direct - An attempt by Microsoft to sabotage the Java programming language. With J/Direct, programmers write Java programs "optimized" for Windows. This bypasses the reason Java exists in the first place: portability.

- K -

- L -

License Agreement - The agreement made between a user and Microsoft whenever the user installs a piece of MS software. Microsoft Licenses are notorious for being unfair and anti-competitive. For instance, the MSDN Agreement forbids developers from using MS development tools to create a product that competes with a profitable MS product. It should be noted that, from a legal standpoint, users don't buy Microsoft software, they buy licenses to use a piece of software.

Linux - A mythical operating system, rumored to be faster and more robust than Windows NT, based on open standards and available freely all over the Internet. Would probably exist in the real world if "management" hadn't been brainwashed by Microsoft. (submitted by Fred Albrecht)

That's a bit of an understatement. Linux is better to NT, according to John Kirch and many industry analysts. And Linux is slowing being accepted in the real world (See LinuxMall's Linux Used Here Exhibition Program).

Linux is the fastest growing Microsoft alternative. Find out more at YAMOO's Alternatives section.

- M -

MicroDroid - (from the Jargon File 4.0.0) - A Microsoft employee, especially one who posts to various operating system advocacy newsgroups. MicroDroids post follow ups to any message critical of Microsoft's operating systems, and afterwards end up sounding like visiting Mormon missionaries.

Microsoft Nicknames - Common deragatory names for Microsoft found on the Net.

Common examples: Billsoft, Gatesoft, Macrosoft, Manglesoft, Megasloth, Mickey$oft, Micro$oft, Microcaught, Microcrap, Microcrock, Microcult, Microhard, Microlame, Micropap, Microrats, Microscoff, Microshaft, Microslob, Microslosh, Microsloth, Microslush, Microsnot, Microsoff, Microsoap, Microsquish, Microstiff, Microstupor, Microsuck, Microtrash, Mightgosoft, Monopolysoft

Most of the above list (plus some of the other nicknames on this page) was sent in by Troy Fillmore.

Microsoft Outlook - Microsoft's e-mail client program.

Common nicknames: Look out! Microsoft! (Submitted by Gidi Kroon), BleakOutlook, OutOfLuck

Microsoft Slogan - The all-too familiar phrase, "Where do you want to go today?® Parodies include:

The old Microsoft slogan was, "Making it all make sense." Numerous parodies of this also exist, such as:

Microsoft Works - An oxymoron.

MIPS - Acronym standing for Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed. Since most benchmark programs are run under Windows 95, their results have no bearing whatsoever in the Real World. For instance, these programs never take into account the amount of time required to reboot after an inevitable crash.

Money

  1. One thing Bill Gates has plenty of (unlike quality products).
  2. A Microsoft product with a name that isn't an oxymoron.

Monkeys - The actual programmers of Windows 95. Microsoft locked one million monkeys in a room, each with their own Intel PC, and told them to write an operating system so full of bugs that users would be forced to upgrade a year later. Microsoft executives were astounded by the results.

Monopoly

  1. A real estate trading game.
  2. An industry-dominating company.
  3. Microsoft Corporation.

See the parody press release, Microsoft Acquires Monopoly.

Moof - (from the Jargon File 4.0.0) - a verb used on the Microsoft Network that means 'to be suddenly disconnected by the system.' The fact that this word exists must mean that MSN reliability is appalling.

MS-DOS - Microsoft's glorified file loader. This is the program (along with bundled EDLIN and DoubleSpace) that started it all.

"Microsoft bought MS-DOS from a Seattle company, and it was called QDOS then (Quick and Dirty Operating System). Some say it is not quick anymore, but the rest stays the same."
   -- Wilson Roberto Afonso
Some say that the "D" actually stands for Deficient, Decadent, Destructive, Dirty, or Diseased. Others contend that MS-DOS stands for Maybe Some Day an Operating System. Many Mac users refer to MS-DOS as "Mess-DOS" or "MS-DOG".
"Stupid is as Stupid DOS."
   -- Forrest Gump

Multicrashing - The ability of a Microsoft program to crash multiple times simultaneously.

M$ - Abbreviation for Microsoft, used by the newspaper "O Globo", from Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, in its "Informatica etc." page (submitted by Adalberto da Silva Brito)

MSNBC - An alliance between Microsoft and NBC. MSNBC is a cable news channel that is heavily biased towards Microsoft (although most of the media is anyways). Has prompted several jokes about Must C:\> TV. Also note that this is called MSNBC, not NBCMS.

Common nickname: BS-NBC

My Computer - An insulting Windows 95 "object" that resides on the desktop. It would have been more appropriately called My Inefficient, Bloated, Bug Infested, About-to-Crash Computer.

- N -

- O -

ODBC - Open DataBase Connectivity, a Microsoft "open standard" (oxymoron). Only Microsoft programs support it, however. In other words, the standard is only open to Microsoft.

Office - The unoriginal name of Microsoft's office suite software, including Word, Excel, Access, and PowerPoint. By bundling these products together, Microsoft has effectively destroyed all competing stand alone products. With the competition held to a minimum, Office 97 only introduced minor "improvements", including the annoying dancing paper clip and an incompatible file format with Office 95.

Common nicknames: OffUS, Orifice, Offal

OLE

  1. Standard bull fighter exclamation
  2. Object Linking and Embedding. A Microsoft proprietary standard that allows software to share information. However, most of time the only thing that gets shared is a crash.

Open Standard

  1. A standard supported by all software or hardware developers.
  2. Cuss words at Microsoft headquarters. Instead of saying, "Shit!", Microsoft employees say, "Open standards!"
  3. A standard controlled by Microsoft that is liable to change at any time, but only when Microsoft thinks it will increase its profit margin.
  4. A standard only open to Microsoft.
  5. Defined as the latest implementation by Microsoft, insofar as no other compatible implementations exist. (Submitted by Stephen Hutcheson)

- P -

Pledge of Allegiance - "I pledge allegiance to the corporate logo of the United Corporation of Microsoft. And to the stock options for which it stands, one company, under Bill, with headaches and buggy software for all." Said by employees at Microsoft headquarters every morning.

Plug-and-Play - A standard by which hardware is plugged into the computer and the user plays with configuration settings for over three hours in order to get it to work. Also called "Plug-and-Pray" and "Plug-and-Pay".

Portable - A program that runs on any computer containing exactly the same versions of hardware and Windows software as the machine used to develop and test the software. (Submitted by Stephen Hutcheson)

PowerPoint - Microsoft's presentation creator, bundled with Office.

"We had 12.9 gigabytes of PowerPoint slides on our network. And I thought, 'What a huge waste of corporate productivity.' So we banned it. And we've had three unbelievable record-breaking fiscal quarters since we banned PowerPoint. Now, I would argue that every company in the world, if it would just ban PowerPoint, would see their earnings skyrocket. Employees would stand around going, 'What do I do? Guess I've got to go to work.'"
   -- Scott McNealy, CEO of Sun Microsystems
Common nicknames: PoorPoint, PassivePoint

Power Supply - A device that is absolutely essential to running Microsoft programs. Also essential is a Inhell Pentiumgram 986 CPU, 256 terabytes of hard drive space, 1024 gigabytes of RAM, and loads of patience.

Proprietary Standard - A standard developed by Microsoft. A proprietary standard does not conform to exisiting standards, but because of Microsoft's clout, the industry standards are forced to conform to Microsoft's proprietary standards.

- Q -

- R -

Recycle Bin - Windows 95's politically correct and trademark dodging version of the Macintosh's Trash Can.

- S -

Security - A feature (or bug?) that's not available yet on Microsoft software (especially Windows doNT), although they claim it's already there. (Submitted by Conrado Vardanega)

Solution - A term Microsoft uses to describe any of its products. Solution to what? Paying for Bill's mansion, probably.

Stable - A lack of memory management in an OS. According to Microsoft, Windows NT is more stable than Windows 95 because it allows each program to perform its own memory management, and thus will not crash unless some program contains a memory management "issue". (Submitted by Stephen Hutcheson)

Standard Practice - What Microsoft calls any tactic it uses that draws criticism. "Oh, forcing people to sign Non Disclosure Agreements is standard practice in the computer industry" a Microsoft PR person once said. Another example is threatening computer manufacturers to install IE on their computers or else risk losing the license to sell Windows 95.

- T -

Three Finger Salute - The Ctrl-Alt-Delete key combination that reboots a Wintel computer. Most often used after the computer locks up, or when Windows 95 shows the Blue Screen of Death.

TMS - Acronym for The Microsoft Situation.

- U -

Upgrade - A new version of a program, usually containing fixes for shoddy programming in previous versions. Microsoft Upgrades typically use more system resources and take forever to download (or, in the case of Windows 98, are expensive to buy).

Users' Guide - A two-inch thick book included with all Microsoft programs. Usually the first few chapters deal with how much the software will "enrich your life," "improve your productivity," and "make work more fun." Every other word is a superlative adjective hyping the product, Microsoft, or Bill Gates. The next few chapters explain the many steps required to install the software. There is a chapter on troubleshooting, unfortunately it never has the problems that you experience (i.e. frequent crashes, files mysteriously disappearing). Most of the time it wants you to look up the problem in the on-line help, but if the program isn't working to begin with, how can you use the on-line help? And finally there is a chapter of about three pages that actually explains how to use the software.

Utopia

  1. The codename for Bob, a Microsoft "product." This product went from "Utopia" to "Bob." That says quite a bit about the usefulness and quality of it.
  2. Something that Microsoft will never achieve in any of its products.

- V -

Version Number - Normally a number describing how advanced a program is. In Microsoft programs simply a hardcoded delay factor (Submitted by Gidi Kroon). Windows 98 is an example of this -- even though Win98 has very few new features that aren't available in Win95/IE 4.0; millions of people have rushed out to buy it. They think that, because 98 is higher than 95, it must be more advanced. This kind of common sense logic can't be applied to Microsoft programs, however. The truth is that Windows 98 sucks up more system resources and is slower than Windows 95 without much added benefit.

Virus - A malicious piece of computer code that infects computers and causes harm, such as formatting disks, locking up the system, and installing Windows 95. Viruses do something, which is why Windows 95 itself is not considered a virus.

Visual Basic - An oxymoron. It's neither visual, nor Basic. (Submitted by cvail@dallas.txi.com)

- W -

Windows - Microsoft's key product and cash cow. Windows exists in several versions, including:

Some say Windows is an acronym for Will Install Needless Data On Whole System. NT is often said to stand for: Neutered Technology, Non-Existant Technology, No Thanks, Needs Testing, Nice Try, Needs Terabytes, Nothing There, Null Technology, No Tolerance, Not Today, or New Trash. CE stands for Caveat Emptor. Some refer to NT as Windows MT (Meaningless Technology), Windows doNT, Windows NOT, Windows TNT, or Windows DDT.

See also Windows Sayings and YAMOO's Windows section.

Windowsification - The process by which other GUI's are tranformed to look more like Windows. This is accomplished through Microsoft's aggressive tactics and an instinct of competitors to survive any way they can.

Wintel - Name of the alliance between Microsoft Windows and Intel. A simple equation modelling this relationship is: Intel PCs + Microsoft Windows = Bill Gate's fortune + Millions of headaches.

See also YAMOO's Wintel section.

Word - Microsoft's word processor, bundled with Office.

Common nicknames: FourLetterWord, Worried, MispelledWerd

- X -

X Window System

  1. A free alternative to the many MS Windows incarnations. (Thanks to Fred Albrecht for correcting me, it's technically X Window System, not X-Windows. This is similar to saying Windows 95 when we should say Winblows 1895.)
  2. One of Microsoft's achilles heels.

- Y -

Yahoo! - An exclamation that is often used when a Microsoft program actually works for a period of time without crashing.

- Z -

ZAW

  1. A Microsoft buzzword standing for Zero Administration Windows. Microsoft marketdroids have been pushing this in connection with vaporware annoucements for Windows NT 5.0. Like the speed of light, however, zero maintenance in any OS, especially Microsoft's, is impossible to attain. As usual, Gates thinks he can achieve the impossible.
  2. Zero Activity Windows - An acronym that accurately describes what most users experience.

Ziff-Davis - A company that publishes such Microsoft-centric publications as Windows Magazine, PC Magazine, PC Week, and Computer Shopper. Some say that ZD is merely a big advertisement program for Microsoft.

See a parody of a PC Week column, and a parodized ZD icon.


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This page was last updated on October 9, 1999.