The Support Group for People Used by Microsoft

You Might be a Microsoft Employee If...

Are you on the Microsoft payroll? If you meet any of the following conditions then you might just be. Instead of checking your neck, check your stock options: you might be a Microsoft employee.

  1. You worship Bill Gates
  2. You've owned Microsoft stock since it was first issued in 1986
  3. When a Microsoft program crashes for the millionth time, you say "Oh, well!" and reboot without any negative thoughts
  4. You think the Support Group for People Used by Microsoft is a load of cow dung (or something worse)
  5. You use the phrase "Open Standards!" when anybody else would say "Shit!"
  6. The Windows 95/98 startup screen makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside
  7. You frequently post to alt.fan.bill.gates
  8. You frequently send flames to people who have posted on alt.os.windows95.crash.crash.crash, alt.destroy.microsoft, and alt.is.bill.gates.satan
  9. You fully understand why Windows 95's Shutdown Option has to be accessed from the Start Menu
  10. You think AOL/Netscape's goal is world domination
  11. You beta-tested Windows 95
  12. You beta-tested the Microsoft Network
  13. You believe Internet Explorer's security flaws were slipped in by a crack team of Netscape programmers
  14. You paid for your version of Windows 98 Second Edition
  15. You've memorized all of the many Windows error messages since version 3.0
  16. You named your two dogs "Bill" and "Windows"
  17. You replaced your trash can with a Recycle Bin
  18. You have a paid subscription to Microsoft Magazine and Slate
  19. You purchased Microsoft Bob... and continue to use it
  20. You keep valuable papers near your fireplace. Therefore, you are comfortable with Windows 95's "may-delete-it-at-anytime" philosophy
  21. You're the Bob that Microsoft Bob was named after
  22. You made the decision to change Gates 95 to Windows 95
  23. The "flying Windows" screensaver was your idea
  24. You asked an exterminator if they could take care of Windows 95 bugs
  25. Instead of "I'd rather be fishing," your bumper sticker says, "I'd rather be writing buggy Microsoft code"
  26. You know the technical difference between OLE 1.0 and OLE 2.0
  27. When someone asks you if you want any java, you immediately scream "Ahhh!!" and resolve to ask your boss about your "job security."
  28. You frequently ask people, "Where do you want to go today?"TM
  29. You've ever completed your income taxes while waiting for Windows 95 to boot, and didn't think anything of it
  30. Your computer crashed while reading this page and you were happy about it
  31. You wish the sun would set on Sun Microsystems
  32. You run Solitaire more than any other program, and therefore you consider your computer a Dedicated Solitaire Engine (DSE)
  33. You use the cheat codes to the Solitaire program frequently
  34. Every night you dream of torturing Linus Torvalds (Linux creator)
  35. You own a Cray supercomputer and run Windows NT on it
  36. Every morning you say, "I pledge allegiance to the logo of the United Corporation of Microsoft. And to the stock options for which it stands, one company, under Bill, with headaches and buggy software for all."
  37. Your favorite pick-up line is, "Hey baby... do you want to see a little ActiveX?"
  38. When you see a web page with "Enhanced for Internet Explorer" on it, you smile
  39. Everytime you see a web page with "Best viewed with Netscape" on it, you feel like killing the author and filing lawsuits against all of his relatives
  40. You saw one of those "Best Viewed with Any Browser" graphics and said, "What the hell is this? It must be the product of some crazed Unix hacker"
  41. You believe all of the myths on the Linux Myths Dispeller page
  42. You registered the teamgates.com domain name
  43. You've installed software on your home computer that prevents your children from accessing anti-Microsoft sites on the Internet (however you're okay with pornography).
  44. You feel that all Anti-Microsoft websites should be censored because they are on the Internet, something Bill "invented."
  45. You've set a goal to invent at least one new buzzword or acronym per day
  46. You've ever been nervous because you haven't registered your Microsoft software yet.
  47. Your blood pressure climbs everytime you hear about Open Source Software
  48. You cussed out your child's computer teacher after she decided to install Macintoshes in the school's computer lab
  49. When you write something, you insert a trademark symbolTM after everyTM other wordTM
  50. You maintain a webpage full of Microsoft-specific HTML extensions - and when you run it through a HTML validator, you get about ten million errors
  51. Your child's first word was "Microsoft"
  52. You own a customized version of the Bible in which all references to "God" have been changed to "Bill Gates"
  53. You're on a first name basis with several members of the Justice Department
  54. You've trained your parrot to say "Unix sucks!" and "All hail Chairman Bill!"
  55. You own a limited edition Monopoly game in which Boardwalk is Microsoft and Jail is replaced by Justice Department Investigation
  56. You moved to a larger city so you could receive a MSNBC channel
  57. You've ever read an entire Microsoft program manual in one sitting
  58. You've ever said, "What's good for Microsoft is good for the country!"
  59. Using undocumented Microsoft "methods", you manage to single-handedly destroy the annoying International Anti-Microsoft Network. (Historical note: AMSN was mysteriously destroyed from the www.webring.org server in May of 1997. Hmmm...)
  60. You believe the tray on your CD-ROM drive is actually a cup holder
  61. You've spent countless hours tracking down the source of the "Microsoft Acquires Vatican Church" rumor
  62. You consider Ralph Nader, Janet Reno, Joel Klein, and Orrin Hatch to be your "mortal enemies"
  63. You think GW-BASIC (or QBasic, QuickBasic, Visual Basic, etc.) is better than C/C++
  64. You are very similar to the boss character in the Dilbert cartoons
  65. You believe that "GUI", "multitasking" and "32 bit" mean the same thing.
  66. You believe the Unix kernel is just a stolen and patched version of Windows NT.
  67. Your house is decorated like the "Hot Dog Stand" color scheme from Windows 3.1
  68. You send "denial of service attacks" (ping storms) to anti-Microsoft websites like www.enemy.org, www.ihatebillgates.com, and www.microsoft-sucks.com
  69. You refer to your boss as Godfather Gates
  70. You maintain a "Support Group for People Used by the DOJ" website
  71. You pass around a petition to rename Redmond to "Bill Gates City"
  72. You wrote a letter to the Webster's Dictionary publishers asking them to eliminate the entries for "bug", "monopoly", and "crash". You also mention that "word", "windows", "explorer", "excel", "access", etc. are all trademarks of Microsoft and should be designated as such in the dictionary.
  73. You find a way to insert the word "innovation" in every sentence you say.
  74. You claim X is just Windows 2.0 ported to Unix, never mind that it has its own network protocol and starts in under a second. (Submitted by Nathan)
  75. You think that paying for upgrades is worth the investment (Submitted by Eliezer Ramm)
  76. You own one or more items of clothing displaying large Microsoft logos and/or slogans, and wear them proudly in public (Submitted by ?)
  77. You think the bugs in your code should be called 'Security Features' (Submitted by M. Salsbury)
  78. You believe Windows NT STOP errors (the "Blue Screen of Death") are intuitive, user-friendly, and helpful for troubleshooting problems. After all, they were the product of countless user-interface studies for a "next generation" operating system (Submitted by Larry Lade)
  79. You use MS Internet Exploder and actually like it! (Submitted by Svartalf)
  80. You own an Archimedes A3000 and torture it by feeding it Windows system files... and gleefully watch it crash! (Submitted by The Admirable Kryten)
  81. If you use a Commodore Pet to test your REALLY dodgy machine code -- it is crash-proof! (Submitted by Kryten)
  82. If you've ever tried to rewire a computer sound card so it makes an air raid noise every time you try to load up Netscape. (Submitted by Kryten)
  83. Your monitor goes out of focus, which inspires you to make a "Blurred" screensaver (Submitted by "Jackal")
  84. You try to rewire a floppy disk drive so it stores 25 MB, therefore enabling you to boot Windows from it (Submitted by "Jackal")
  85. If you've ever said, "But who'd want to uninstall IE4?" (Submitted by "Digiacid")
  86. If your blood pressure rises when you hear the old Win95=Mac85 joke (Submitted by "Digiacid")
  87. You are also obsessive-compulsive and actually enjoy repeated rebooting (Submitted by ?)
  88. You've ever asked "So you mean FreeBSD is free?" (Submitted by Declan Kelly)
  89. You follow MS' technology waffling without flinching (Submitted by "Badger")
  90. All the programs you write have the word "active" in them (Submitted by Scott)
  91. You know that Area 51 is a secret meeting ground for Microsoft programmers and aliens for the developement of "space-age" software funded by the U.S. goverment (Submitted by Andrew)
  92. You can talk like Carl Sagan on acid... "Billions and billions and billions of lines of code in Windows NT..."
  93. You see nothing wrong with calling a bugfix an enhanced functionality upgrade (Submitted by Embee)
  94. As a freshman, you walked into your college's networking machine room and said, "You know, this network would be so much more secure and stable if all these servers were running NT instead of Linux." (Submitted by "bofh")
  95. You cannot understand why people think penguins are adorable (Submitted by Malcom)
  96. You actually know if Microsoft calls it O-L-E Controls, Oh-lay Control, ActiveX, or COM this week (Submitted by Reklaw)
  97. You didn't laugh when Gates got that pie in the face because it was cruel, and such an aweful waste of perfectly good pie (Submitted by Richard Salisbury)
  98. You use anything to do with MS as a homepage (Submitted by Richard Salisbury)
  99. You like Fvwm95 (Submitted by "LagMan") [Fvwm95 is a X window manager that behaves like Windows 95. Of course, no true Microsoft programmer would ever be caught using Unix or X. -Ed]
  100. You think Hungarian Notation is cool (Submitted by "Zip")
  101. You never let your hand off the mouse while using WinDoze
  102. You've never used a command prompt
  103. You think that Microsoft actually created most of its products, as opposed to purchasing them from other companies
  104. You've never compiled a C program before (Visual C++ doesn't count)
  105. You think Visual Basic is a well-designed programming language
  106. You think Windows 98 is totally Y2K safe
  107. You think the problem with Unix is that is has FAR too few API calls (you've never heard of "system calls")
  108. You think that Microsoft created the GUI
  109. You think the WinDoze 95 telnet client is neat
  110. You use toilet paper that has each sheet embossed with any of these words: Netscape, Sun Microsystems, Java, OS/2, Linux, Apple, or any other alternative OS name (Submitted by John Aoki)
  111. You'll forever think than you can copy a sound card with a floppy disk (Submitted by "^Lipton^")
  112. You want Microsoft to become a computer manufacturer (Submitted by "^Lipton^")
  113. You think that Back Orifice is a nice program from Bill and install it on your computer and give your IP address to anybody (Submitted by "^Lipton^")
  114. Your male children are named, Bill I, Bill II, Bill III, etc... (Submitted by Kara Ann Murray)
  115. You belive that if you run disk cleanup enough times, your computer will be completely bug-free
  116. You think that a person's sexual prowess is directly proportional to the amount of memory their code needs (Submitted by "Da Fish")
  117. You think Windows is superior over the Mac and all other operating systems, although you have never seen a machine that doesn't run Windows (Submitted by Charles Reiss)
  118. When you leave your house to go out and you close your bedroom window, you sing "Ta Da!" or hum "The Micro$oft Sound" (Submitted by Jimbo)
  119. You often say that Microsoft IIS is more secure than Apache because, "Anyone can look at the Apache source code and find bugs to exploit. Microsoft IIS is proprietary so it's better for your mission-critical operations." And you actually believe it. (Submitted by Josh Arnold)
  120. You are running out of code to steal from your neighbor's Apple IIgs (Submitted by Nealio)
  121. You still believe that 640k is more than you'll ever need (Submitted by TollyHo)
  122. You go to the zoo armed with a rifle and head to the penguin enclosure (Submitted by Boz)
  123. You spend more time re-installing your Windows software than you do actually USING your computer
  124. You think the reports about Windows 95 known bug list are all a conspiriacy (Submitted by Raistlin)
  125. You like to sit in front of a monitor showing "Flying Windows" screen-saver and watch it (Submitted by Jozef Boros)
  126. You believe that all Microsoft programs are easy to use, and that all have "clean, consistant" interface (Submitted by Jozef Boros)
  127. You are ready to fight for the idea that every day operating system crashes are absolutely normal (Submitted by Jozef Boros)
  128. You don't understand the "Bad Day" videoclip, a widely distributed video clip in which an angry man severely damages a computer monitor after getting mad (Submitted by Jozef Boros)
  129. You think that Bill is a real programmer
  130. You set the clock of your PC one year back so that the release of Windoze 2000 would still happen in the year 2000 (Submitted by Barefoot Nick)
  131. You don't mind re-installing your software twice a month (Submitted by Ed)
  132. You think VB is the answer to every programmer's dreams
  133. You wear a different M$ T-shirt every day
  134. Your software patches cost $90
  135. You cash in your stock options, and speed off in your Z3 while RMS and ESR slug away at each other.
  136. The MUDF term (Microsoft Undocumented Design Feature) sounds like a reasonable explation for 'End Task' window.
  137. You think the Justise Department is banning Windows because it's just too good. (Submitted by Tortito)
  138. You curse when you hear the "computerese" term, "bloat"
  139. If you don't see any parallels between Orwellian control concepts and Microsoft marketing
  140. The 'Windows' key is useful in daily computer tasks. [Actually, in the X Window System it's generally possible to redefine the Windows keys to something useful. Of course, if you're using X you're probably not a Microsoft employee anyways. -- The Editor]
  141. You don't question the MSN bill you receive thirty days after the first time you turned on your computer
  142. You argue that crashes and reboots are actually GOOD for your computer (Submitted by Mumbai Miasma)
  143. You paid for the domain name ihate.netscape.linux.and.macs.com/
  144. You won't watch BBC programs because someone uses a "Mac" every time it rains.
  145. You were fired for visiting the Linux pavillion at Comdex.
  146. GNU is your idea of Hell. (Submitted by Cheng H. Lee)
  147. You try to log on to a Linux box using CTRL+ALT+DELETE.
  148. You believe the chain letter that says that Microsoft merged with Disney and Bill Gates is really going to give away a free trip to Disney World
  149. You suggest that Microsoft start making cars
  150. You went on strike when they tried to make you write Internet Explorer 4.5 for the Mac
  151. You believe that the Y2K bug was created by angry Linux users.
  152. You say, "I am one of the best VB programmers. I think that Windows NonsTop is the best platform for developers."
  153. You believe that Bill's statement "Microsoft is not in the business of fixing bugs" is actually a good policy
  154. You paid $6,000.00 to become an MCSE, but don't really know what telnet/ftp/nslookup/ping/traceroute is or does (Submitted by Christopher Anderson)
  155. You train to become an MCSE because you think it will make people respect you (When in reality, they're slapping their foreheads and wondering how much longer they have to deal with the clueless MCSE.)
  156. You paid $89 to upgrade Windows 98 to "2nd Edition," which contains no other additions apart from IE5
  157. You think that someone should bomb Netscape because of it going open source
  158. You fully believe every word that is written in the Microsoft magazine (Submitted by Romeo Baggio)
  159. You believe Visual Studio is the one and only best developing tool in the world (Submitted by Romeo Baggio)
  160. You fully believe the hype written in every Microsoft product user guide that the product will 'increase your productivity' and that it is 'more stable' (Submitted Bill Geeks)
  161. You really hate it when Bugs Bunny cheats Elmer FUD (Submitted by Idan Sofer)
  162. You ran across one of the Linux CD giveaways currently semi-popular on the net... and became violently ill. (Submitted by Elros tar-Minyatur)
  163. You happen across ESR's annotated version of the "Halloween Memo" and spend three hours reading it, alternately laughing in disbelief and shouting out counterarguments. (Submitted by Elros tar-Minyatur)
  164. You believe the most effective way to solve a bug is to reboot (Submitted by conjuror)
  165. You don't know the definition of the term "user friendly" (Submitted by Jozef Boros)
  166. Mysterious random movements from your new USB M$ Semi-Intellimouse close all your applications before you got a chance to finish that last line of code. (Submitted by razer)
  167. Some of your friends frustrate you to no end when they act sarcastic while you describe the joys and benefits of Micro$oft operating systems and apps. (Submitted by razer)
  168. You are infected with a rare form of Microdyslexia that causes you to hear "Global Domination" as "Nation of Bob". (Submitted by razer)
  169. You look forward to cold-booting your NT workstation each morning so that it will run OK. (Submitted by Tom)
  170. You think shop.microsoft.com has good deals. (Submitted by "Sj12fn")
  171. You keep repeating the phrase "Microsoft was built on the vision of a computer on every desk in every home, we have never wavered from that vision..." (Submitted by Matthew Platts)
  172. You automatically associate Unix with Xenix (Submitted by Matthew Platts)
  173. You compulsively use the word 'producti(s||z)e' (Submitted by Matthew Platts)
  174. You would pay $5,000.00 to visit Bill@home (Submitted by Ace)
  175. You'd like to shoot all of the WINE developers for "stealing" all your nice (buggy) code (Submitted by Ace)
  176. The Windows Blue Screen is permanently burnt into your screen (Submitted by Ace)
  177. You thank God that Office 2000 crashes only ten times a day on average (Submitted by Jozef Boros)
  178. You call all of the many bugs in your code "features", including the ones that stop your program from even starting. You send such code to Bill, who congratulates you on making code that is less buggy than Win95's. (Submitted by Bob)
  179. You can't understand how Mac users survive with only one button on their mouse.
  180. You have framed those 5.25" floppies that Windows 1.0 came on
  181. You recode i+=4; as i=i+1; i=i+1; i=i+1; if(i==i) i=i+1; because quality is proportional to code length (Submitted by Bero)
  182. You're actually a Linux fan and creating all those nice bugs to push Windows out of the market (Submitted by Bero)
  183. You know all the INT 21 functions, but don't use them (Submitted by Matthew Platts)
  184. NT actually means "New Technology" to you (Submitted by Matthew Platts)
  185. You're still looking for the 'any' key (Submitted by Matthew Platts)
  186. You think that a talking paperclip is a good example of how much we are evolved from the times of the first computers (Submitted by Jaime Herazo B.)
  187. You've filed for a restraining order against the BSD daemon, which was denied (Submitted by Silaron)
  188. ...Then the BSD daemon filed for a restraining order against you, which was approved (Submitted by Silaron)
  189. You think that MS Windows is no more expensive than Linux because Windows comes with the computer (Submitted by Jonathan Smith)
  190. You've ever said, "but rebooting it is half the fun." (Submitted by Cl0vis15)
  191. You've ever said, "Come on, the fun is in not knowing when it'll crash next!" (Submitted by Cl0vis15)
  192. You like the fact that FrontPage makes your website incompatible with other browsers (Submitted by Cl0vis15)
  193. You can call him, "Good ole honest Bill!", and not feel that you've lied (Submitted by Cl0vis15)
  194. You can't imagine why anyone would want to select more than 1 WORD file from Explorer and have them print in background (Submitted by ole_jim)
  195. You laugh when you realize the 'Suspend' icon really means 'lockup'
  196. Encouraged a company lawsuit against Google for returning the Microsoft homepage as the number one link when searching for "more evil than Satan himself"
  197. You think the blue screen of death would make a good screen saver (Submitted by Adragan)
  198. You think of purposely making bugs as opportunities to charge people for bug fixes down the road (Submitted by Cl0vis15)
  199. You receive a bunch of complaints about MSN billing problems and ignore them
  200. You remove all the bookmarks from your books, and insert your favorite folders (Submitted by zodiac_fest)
  201. You understand the difference between the "My Documents", "Favorites", "Personal", "My Files", and "MyFiles" folders (Submitted by Prometheus)
  202. You're going to bomb Washington, D.C. because the Justice Department declared Microsoft a monopoly (Submitted by AFree87)
  203. You think Macintosh and Xerox had nothing to do with the development of Windoze technology (Submitted by Master Ivan)
  204. You honestly believe that Windoze is an easier system to use than Mac (Submitted by Master Ivan)
  205. you still think Windoze is an operating system, not just a huge plugin for MS-DOS (Submitted by Master Ivan)
  206. You feel more secure knowing that Microsoft can trace any file created on your machine back to you (Submitted by Master Ivan)
  207. Everytime you lose an argument with a Mac Owner on the relative performance of the two machines, you always fall back on the "Popularity" argument (Submitted by Master Ivan)
  208. You and your family sit and watch the Flying Windows
  209. You belive STDIN, STDOUT, and STDERR are out-dated fads (Submitted by Ktohg)
  210. ...You have no clue what STDIN, STDOUT, and STDERR are! (Submitted by Ktohg)
  211. You happily recode a case statement with a long series of if..elses after your program crashes mysteriously (Submitted by Bill)
  212. You believe the term 'innovation' means 'reverse engineering' (Submitted by Bill)
  213. You're disappointed that Windows 2000 will not have any Easter Eggs (Submitted by Donna Watson)
  214. You think monopolies are good for the economy (Submitted by Cl0vis15)
  215. You call all of your shrinks "Dr. Watson" (Submitted by Fata)
  216. You always hit the Alt-F-S key combination five times after typing in a single character of code (just in case Dr. Watson will get mad).
  217. You understand why white-on-white is the best pointer / background colour combination (Submitted by Ben Ebn)
  218. You use the windows 95 illegal operation box as your windows desktop wallpaper (Submitted by WinCrasher)
  219. You can tell the differnce bettween NT (crashes a lot), 95 (crashes all the time) and 98 (lucky if it starts). (Submitted by Modge)
  220. The only time you have ever used the command prompt is to install Windows 95/98 (Submitted by Lurch)
  221. You put unnescessary loops in your code that have comments in them saying "This loop does nothing but waste time and space so they have to pay us more" (Submitted by "The Guy Who Typed This")
  222. Your AOL screen name is BGatesWanaBe (Submitted by Mike Sorrell)
  223. Your neighbors hate you, your dog bites you, the CIA is tracking you, and you've been blamed on more than one occassion for such disasters as World War II, the Edsel, and worst of all... MS-DOS!
  224. You think Bill Gates was America's first President (Submitted by Windows Basher)
  225. You believe that Windows is complicated and bloated because it has so many security features (Submitted by Mark)
  226. You dream about purchasing Windows 2000 hoping it will eliminate "error" and "illegal operation" messages (Submitted by Geraldine Towers)
  227. When you get the message "Illegal Operation" you feel that enough hasn't been done to enforce Microsoft Policies in the world (Submitted by Mike)
  228. You make your APPLE sauce with only MACINTOSH apples because you love crushing and then eating them.
  229. You know what the (I)gnore button is for
  230. You've set Word's autocorrect feature so that "C" is changed to "Microsoft Visual C++ (C) Microsoft Corporation 2000" (Submitted by Matthew Platts)
  231. You've never played Quake because it's OpenGL based (Submitted by lionheart)
  232. You still think that penguins are stupid animals (Submitted by lionheart)
  233. You still think that debugging a program is keeping the disk away from roaches. (Submitted by lionheart)
  234. You know all of the stack dump (i.e. "this program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down") details by heart.
  235. You have a dartboard with a picture of Steve Jobs on it (Submitted by Matthew Platts)
  236. You have a video library featuring Microsoft infomercials and something called "MS-DOS In Action" (Submitted by Matthew Platts)
  237. Your desktop background is a captured blue screen of death (Submitted by "Steve Jobs")
  238. You don't know what life is like outside of your cubicle. (Submitted by "Steve Jobs")
  239. You've legally changed your name to C. SYSINFO. (Submitted by "Steve Jobs")
  240. You always write filenames in mixed case and with lots of spaces in them, because It Is Easier To Read Them That Way. And anyway, you don't have to type them next time... you just click on them.
  241. You keep tables of variable names, libraries, .ini entries, and hex addresses... just so that you understand error messages. (Submitted by Matthew Platts)
  242. You dream in 256 colours, 800x600...
  243. ...Or you dream in MS-DOS codepage 80! (Submitted by Matthew Platts)
  244. You mutter in VB
  245. The day is not complete unless you've used CTRL, ALT, DELETE as least once (Submitted by "Junker")
  246. You pray towards Redmond, Washington.
  247. You think Mozilla.org is using stolen Microsoft Internet Explorer code
  248. You have dreams about killing the BSD daemon and the Linux Penguin by bashing them over the heads repeatedly with a wad of licencing papers. (Submitted by Matthew Platts)
  249. You keep your Certificates of Authenticity in frames (Submitted by Matthew Platts)
  250. You don't understand the difference between the phrases "Where do you want to go today" and "Where do you want to be dragged today?"
  251. You use the term "innovation" where others would use the term "reverse engineering".
  252. You remember every keyboard shortcut for every program since MS-DOS (Submitted by Timothy)
  253. You've memorized the Win95 OEM install code by heart (Submitted by Leo)
  254. You can calculate the time when the next Windows 95 crash will occur (Submitted by Leo)
  255. There are imprints of 'Ctrl', 'Alt' and 'Delete' on your fingers (Submitted by Matthew Platts)
  256. You really think that every other program invented is a rip off of a Microsoft idea.
  257. Someone has played a practical joke on you by making a bmp screen capture of the "blue screen of death" and replaced your Windows 95 startup screen with it
  258. You think Bill Gates and Al Gore teamed up to invent the Internet.
  259. You would never read a document not created with Microsoft Word, or a spreadsheet not created with Excel, etc. (Submitted by Owen Rudge)
  260. You never visit sites using a server other than MS IIS (Submitted by Owen Rudge)
  261. You have several trucks full of software, starting with MS-DOS 1.0 going up to 6.22, Windows 1.0 to 2000, and every other Microsoft product there is, with all the different disk size variants (5.25, 3.5, CD, DVD, etc) and versions (Office Std, Pro, SB, Premium, Developer) etc, etc, and all the different language versions (whew!)
  262. You think that Visual C++ is the best thing since sliced bread (Submitted by Owen Rudge)
  263. You love the way the Office, ahem, "Assistant" interrupts you just as you're going to do something useful (Submitted by Owen Rudge)
  264. You've memorized the location of every option in the Control Panel, plus their right-click help text (Submitted by Owen Rudge)
  265. You understand every word of the Microsoft End-User License Agreements (Submitted by Owen Rudge)
  266. You install Linux for the sheer pleasure of mucking up the settings and crashing it (Submitted by Owen Rudge)
  267. When you find people are running Microsoft(R) Word(R) 2000 on the dreaded Lisucks, you have a fit and go to court, claiming WINE has done an illegal operation and should be shut down. (Submitted by Owen Rudge)
  268. When somebody turns off the Office Assistant, you start kicking, screaming and crying (Submitted by Owen Rudge)
  269. You understand the DirectX 7.0 API (Submitted by Owen Rudge)
  270. Your car has a bumper sticker that says, "My other car runs on MS-DOS". (Submitted by Beard)
  271. You like the fact that Windows asks you if it's OK that an illegal operation was just performed.
  272. You have the sudden urge to ask everyone 'Are You Sure (Yes/No)?' several times before actually performing the task they asked you to do. (Submitted by Skaarjj)
  273. You never associate with any other people that use UNIX or LINUX and call them 'The Lower Society'
  274. You haven't laughed at any of the above
  275. You still haven't laughed
  276. You're mad because of the last two items


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This page was last updated on November 11, 2000.